What she really means…

Wow so you named your blog the decoder and it’s taken you four bloody months to actually decode something. About time isn’t it?

Well you know what they say – good things come to those who wait -here’s six of the most-used phrases of the female population accompanied by a male-friendly definition. Enjoy.

1. ‘I’m fine’ – If you have ever believed a woman who has informed you she is fine it’s a miracle that you even have a girlfriend. No female has ever uttered those words and genuinely meant it. It is an excuse – a polite way of telling you that you have pissed her off. So please take the hint, leave her to cool off and do not question her like you’re the Spanish Inquisition.
2. ‘It’s not you it’s me’ – Drum roll please. It is you. You have screwed up and now you’re left with two choices. Leave her. Get up, do what she says and walk out of her life. This option is perfect for all those blokes who would consider giving up their subscription to Sky Sports before committing to a long term relationship. Or option two – if you’re more smitten than a lovesick teenager it would be advisable that you find out what on earth you have done wrong and fix it.
3. ‘I love spending time with you’ – Do not panic. This does not mean she wants a life-long relationship which involves a diamond ring and an extravagant price tag. This comment does exactly what it says on the tin. She enjoys your company just like you enjoy spending your Friday night with a pint in hand. It’s not even worth worrying about.
4. ‘Does this make me look fat?’ – No. The answer is always no. Even if she asks for your honest opinion the answer is still no. Never under any circumstances say anything apart from no; do not even hesitate. With a little refinement this answer will become an immediate reflex; ‘Do you want a beer?’ ‘Yes’ – ‘Do I look fat?’ ‘No’.  The words will be flying out of your mouth before she’s even finished the question.
5. ‘Why don’t we take a break?’ – Warning; this is not an open invitation to have a one night stand with the next girl you see (unless you’re Ross Geller of course). She just wants some space. A bit of breathing time. So give it to her. Being confronted by this question is not the end of your relationship, just chill out.
6. ‘You just don’t understand!’ – I can see it now; she’s hormonal and stressed and you’re frustrated and angry. She’ll spit these venomous words out in a moment of total hostility. Your job – just do not react. Unless you’re looking for an early death you definitely should not point out the fact it is impossible to understand someone who never says what they actually mean. Just accept, like the rest of us, that we cannot comprehend every intrinsic working within the female mind

Peace Out x