What was I thinking?

Guys, I admit it. I might of been a little wrong with my last crappy post of ‘drop your ex a text’.

Do you wanna know why?

If you want to text your ex, now I’m not by any means saying this is always the case, you probably still want to shag her. Therefore fucking with her feelings is just not a good idea.

I still stick by what i said in my last post, but only if by a million percent, you are certain that you no longer see each other as romantic counterparts is it okay to reach out and make contact.

Especially over the holidays *more about this in my next post*, it just creates a wealth of messy, wine-fuelled, complicated feelings enhanced by the soppy Christmas shite being played on the Radio. And no girl wants to deal with that while she’s still trying to shift the weight caused by that extra portion she had on Boxing Day.

Be honest, but make sure you aren’t lying to yourself (ew sentimental vomit worthy crap alert) before you call her and end up in her bed on new years day.

Peace Out x

From ex’s to friends..can it really work?

A) – I’d just like to say a massive thank-you to the comments left on my other posts, at last someone is reading my blog! There is a God. Either that or its just a stroke of luck.

Anyway,

Following a recent experience I began to wonder, can ex’s actually genuinely be friends? And no I don’t mean friends who have hate sex, I mean friends who text, retweet each other and have actual face to face catch ups.

At first instance, from a girl’s perspective- the answer has got to be no. Feelings will always be there, one way or another. Most of my girlfriends encourage each other to forget about their ex’s and never communicate with them. But I, unsurprisingly disagree.

The most important and crucial part of a relationship is the friendship from which the foundation was built. #soppyalert. But it’s true! Admittedly it would be almost impossible to go straight from lovers to BFFS (best friends forever – i’m feeling the american vibes inspired by gossip girl procrastination #studentlife). But there is NOTHING to say that in three months, 12 months, two years you can’t be back in each other’s lives as friends.

So guys, if you miss your ex-girlfriend and think you could manage to have a chat without trying to put her in the sack, give her a call.

If it goes tits up send me lots of hate mail I don’t mind.

Peace Out x

LDR – or long distance relationships for those of you who don’t speak female.

One of the biggest questions I keep finding myself wondering now that I’m living over 250 miles from my hometown – ‘do long relationships ever work?’

If someone had asked me that question three months ago I would have undoubtedly greeted the question with a sarcastic laugh and a monotone ‘are you bloody kidding me?’

Yet every other person I’ve met since moving away seems to have a significant other somewhere…whether that be at another local uni or 250 miles away. God bless their souls.

Anywaaaay get on with it woman  – here’s a quickfire list of questions I advise you ask yourself before getting into a long distance relationship.

1 – how much do you actually like the girl? It’s perfectly fine to admit you’ve only been seeing a girl because you wanted her in the sack. BUT that means if a situation arises in which one of you needs to move away, you need to be honest, don’t drag it out for her. She’d rather know believe me, it’ll make it easier for both of you. Plus there’s plenty of other girls you can have a quick shag with wherever you move to.

2- could it realistically work out? Again, honesty is key. If there’s 300 miles and a pricey transport ticket standing between you it might be wise to save the money and the environment and call it quits. It will be worth it in the long run (no pun intended).

3 – don’t be put off by the length of your relationship. Okay I admit that one isn’t in the form of a question but I couldn’t decide how to phrase it. Basically, just because you’ve only been together two months doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a go.

Bottom line – if you like her, you can see a future and she means alot to you then why not go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose. And you can blame me if it goes completely tits up.

Good luck!

Peace Out x

Personal Petty Problems

First off – if you’re hoping for some constructive advice just scroll on past this post. It’s the first of its kind – my own meaningless moaning about the male population.

Okay guys so this is how it is, although you won’t want to admit it, that girl you had half a thing with over the summer that developed into regular hooking up, she misses you. How do I know this? Because I’m one of those girls.

Yes really, the girl who comes across like the pickiest, most sarcastic, hardest to please person on the entire planet actually fell for someone. And now misses them.

This post in the context of my blog has little relevance but I thought it was important to mention that us girls know that no guy is ever going to be perfect. And in all honesty some girl will probably fall in love with you despite your old-dad dancing, cringey pick-up lines or inability to admit your feelings. So don’t be too harsh on yourself.

There’s a girl out there for you, you just need to get out of the house, off your Xbox and away from Match of the Day to find her.

Peace Out x

What to never say to a girl.

Following on from my last post about what your girlfriend really means when she says certain things, here’s a quick three part list of things you should never ever say to her. Unless you want your balls cutting off. Read and learn guys.

1. ‘I love spending time with you’ – Wait a minute, is she allowed to say this but you aren’t? I’m afraid so (look on the bright side though – you don’t have to face childbirth).  Most girls would rather shave their heads than have their boyfriend say this; it’s a total kick in the teeth. Imagine walking into a bar and ordering a pint and being given the shittest beer ever. It hurts doesn’t it? Sure you got your pint but it isn’t half as good as you expected it to be. The same goes for this; she’ll hear the words ‘I love’ and spiral into a girly frenzy of excitement only to be disappointed when you add in three extra words to the sentence.
2. ‘She’s just a friend’ – Right. Rewind six months, eight months, a year – what were you and her? Oh yes, just friends. Every man struggles to understand the potent nature of a woman’s jealousy – ‘I’m hers anyway so I don’t know why she’s so bothered’ – is probably the most over-used phrase by the male species. Don’t even bother putting yourself through it. If you have female friends don’t make a big deal out of it. If you don’t appear to care about that friendship with ‘Katie from work’ then neither will she.
3. ‘You remind me of my ex’ – Really? Are you really that idiotic? Never and I repeat NEVER compare a girl to any other girl you’ve been with. You wouldn’t like it if she explained the intricate details of her last relationship (who by the way looked like Brad Pitt’s stunt double) so don’t try to tell her about yours. The past has come and gone and you need to keep it that way unless you want to be gone too.

 

Okay three posts in one night, that’s more than I’ve posted in the last two months I think my efforts tonight are done.

Peace Out x

What she really means…

Wow so you named your blog the decoder and it’s taken you four bloody months to actually decode something. About time isn’t it?

Well you know what they say – good things come to those who wait -here’s six of the most-used phrases of the female population accompanied by a male-friendly definition. Enjoy.

1. ‘I’m fine’ – If you have ever believed a woman who has informed you she is fine it’s a miracle that you even have a girlfriend. No female has ever uttered those words and genuinely meant it. It is an excuse – a polite way of telling you that you have pissed her off. So please take the hint, leave her to cool off and do not question her like you’re the Spanish Inquisition.
2. ‘It’s not you it’s me’ – Drum roll please. It is you. You have screwed up and now you’re left with two choices. Leave her. Get up, do what she says and walk out of her life. This option is perfect for all those blokes who would consider giving up their subscription to Sky Sports before committing to a long term relationship. Or option two – if you’re more smitten than a lovesick teenager it would be advisable that you find out what on earth you have done wrong and fix it.
3. ‘I love spending time with you’ – Do not panic. This does not mean she wants a life-long relationship which involves a diamond ring and an extravagant price tag. This comment does exactly what it says on the tin. She enjoys your company just like you enjoy spending your Friday night with a pint in hand. It’s not even worth worrying about.
4. ‘Does this make me look fat?’ – No. The answer is always no. Even if she asks for your honest opinion the answer is still no. Never under any circumstances say anything apart from no; do not even hesitate. With a little refinement this answer will become an immediate reflex; ‘Do you want a beer?’ ‘Yes’ – ‘Do I look fat?’ ‘No’.  The words will be flying out of your mouth before she’s even finished the question.
5. ‘Why don’t we take a break?’ – Warning; this is not an open invitation to have a one night stand with the next girl you see (unless you’re Ross Geller of course). She just wants some space. A bit of breathing time. So give it to her. Being confronted by this question is not the end of your relationship, just chill out.
6. ‘You just don’t understand!’ – I can see it now; she’s hormonal and stressed and you’re frustrated and angry. She’ll spit these venomous words out in a moment of total hostility. Your job – just do not react. Unless you’re looking for an early death you definitely should not point out the fact it is impossible to understand someone who never says what they actually mean. Just accept, like the rest of us, that we cannot comprehend every intrinsic working within the female mind

Peace Out x

Shabby Chic v Camper than Christmas

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from moving down south for university it’s this – just because a guy dresses, acts and speaks like he’s the next Gok Wan does not mean he’s actually interested in guys.

Now I know what you’re thinking, why does this matter to me? I’m a guy I can tell when a girl isn’t into guys because she is dressed more masculine than me. (Apologies for the horrendous over-stereotyping but it’s kind of true). And yes granted this post you may consider of little use so feel free to close the tab and go back to whatever it is guys do with their time.

However, if you think there is a possibility that your image runs the risk of airing somewhat on the well-kept, camp side of things you may want to read on.

Here are a few hints and tips to (hopefully) ensure you don’t strike out before you’ve even made it onto the pitch. (That sounded waaay cooler in my head, oh well, let’s still go with it).

The way you walk . Let’s make one thing clear, if you want a girl to be interested in you she needs to think there may be a possibility you’re interested in her and that possibility is also known as your sexuality. Now I’m not saying you can’t prance around like Louie Spence if you want to nor am I suggesting all gay people act in a certain way. However, general rule of thumb, try to inject some masculinity into your walk. Act confident, cool and collected. Don’t get hung up on this though, your walk is like the icing on the icing of the cake. She isn’t going to judge too much if you like to skip to lectures. (I’m lying don’t ever skip – it’s not cool).

Make it obvious you’re into her. Okay so the main thing I personally have noticed since moving to uni is that guys here will be subtle. Now I’m a northern girl, I’m used to guys being as rough as a badger’s arse with a side helping of brutal honesty. I, and probably a lot of other northerners pretending we can hack the South, do not register with your polite, engaging conversation. We do not realise it is code for ‘wanna come to mine’ so you’re gonna have to try and be a tad more obvious guys. (Sorry). It doesn’t need to be anything major though. A bit of physical contact and admittedly cringy flirting will probably do the trick.

In the context of a night out, it’s all in what you drink. Don’t be that guy standing there with a vodka and lemonade. Because that guy always goes home alone. Beer is always a safe bet because it’s naturally associated to guys, cider, functioning as the cheap alternative to beer goes by the same rules. Some may say wine is risky ground, but my advice would be – don’t use a wine glass (talk about #classy) and make sure you drink a good 3/4 of the bottle. That’s right, supporting alcoholism and binge drinking since 1996.

Anyway, sorry this wasn’t my best post…I’m tired and stressed and kind of wishing I was drunk. But hopefully, if you are the kind of guy who has more blurred lines than Robin Thicke (vom, so cringe) next time you’ll manage to at least stand a chance pulling that girl you’ve been stalking in the student union for the past six weeks.

Peace Out x

I’M BACK!

Okay sorry for the hideously cheesy/generic/crappy title for the post but you have to admit it serves a purpose.

My hiatus is officially over! I tried the whole ‘dedicated university student thing’ – it lasted little over two weeks and was about as interesting as listening to David Cameron explain the latest budget cuts. (Sorry law student analogies there – probably the most law work I’ve done in over a week).

ANYWAY….back to the important stuff instead of my shitty rambling. Following on from my first semester at university I’ve got quite a few hints and tips to follow! Because guys I hate to break it to you…university girls are a whole different ball part to anything you’ve been involved with before. From one night stands to that accidental piss you’ll have in a phonebox in the middle of London….I’m here (hopefully) to guide you through it all! And ensure you don’t wake up the next day with piss on your shoes and no one in your bed.

Peace Out x

 

Ps I hope you all appreciate my new sign off – three days in Amsterdam and I’ve become bohemian.

Dangerous Ground.

Female friends when you’re in a relationship.

If you can strike the balance between ‘she’s just a friend’ and ‘you should trust me we are together’ you should seriously consider teaching the rest of the male population how to do so. But for those guys who struggle – here are a few simple pointers.

Female friends pre-changed relationship status. Unless your girlfriend is a complete psycho it’s unlikely she’ll mind you maintaining friendships that existed before she was a part of your life. Due to the fact that if you wanted to be with any of those girls you would be by now. Getting the logic? So you shouldn’t have any issues on that side of things and if you do it’s likely that she’s the problem. You then have to decide who you need in your life more (and try not to weight the fact having a girlfriend means having sex too heavily).

Ex’s turned friends. Two words -no way. Do not even think of ‘hanging out’ with your ex unless you want to add your current girlfriend to that list. Although there is every chance you’re just ‘having a catch up and a cuppa’ in her mind you’re having really intense hate sex. Please don’t put her through that sort of mental torture unless of course you actually want to endure a premature death.

In a nutshell – make it blatantly obvious to your girlfriend that she is your girlfriend meaning you do not want to shag  any of your female friends (even though you inevitably will of pictured at least five of them naked). You can’t go far wrong with that.

All things Social

Following on from the totally unprecedented rant about chat up lines and How I met your Mother accordingly – social networks are not simply a way in which to get laid.

The best way to deal with the minefield that is social networking is probably going to be to go through it site by site (sorry I know it’s tedious but if you weren’t so incompetent this post wouldn’t even exist.

1) – Instagram – admittedly probably used considerably less by males as you don’t purchase as many shoes or fall in love with quotes but anyway.. stop liking so many girls pictures, you look so desperate and horny it’s heinously off putting and you’ll never pull while you appear to be in a long term relationship with your like button (oh sorry I hope my brutal honesty didn’t offend you there). Yeah if you genuinely like that photo of a pair of heels and Hollister carrier that she just posted feel free to like it, but if it’s a last minute attempt to get some just don’t. Bottom line is just honesty –don’t do something/like a photo/comment if you’re doing it for completely shallow reasons but by all means enjoy stalking the profile of that girl you’ve fancied for the past three months (she’s probably doing the same for another guy). As for guys who are already in a relationship – PLEASE DO NOT POST ENDLESS AFTER SEX SELFIES EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX. Sorry but no one cares. Like seriously no one cares when you’ve had sex – keep it to yourself.

2) – Twitter – quick easy, read this previous post to save me repeating myself – – In short, be the best 140 character version of yourself ever. Also, never direct message a girl, it’s creepy, just add her on Facebook instead that’s a much less stalkerish way of talking to someone. Major pet hate of 90% of the female population – when two people in a relationship tweet each other. Just text. We do not want to read your conversation, you aren’t Kim and Kanye. Stop acting like we care.

3) – Facebook – the two prongs – messaging and actually using the site. Let’s face it – hardly anyone bothers with status’ anymore and even fewer people read them so I’m gonna keep this first part short and sweet. Don’t’ say anything stupid and try to sound relatively normal because normal is attractive. Weird is not. Right – messaging. Not going to beat around the bush, you should be thanking Mark Zuckerberg for this- you can talk to whoever you want, whenever you want and act like anyone you want. Just don’t abuse it. Be sincere (sorry for repeating) but if you aren’t interested in a girl you need to make that crystal clear to her before you continue to converse unless you’re wanting to get involved in a very trivial, messy situation which we both know you need to stay away from. However, saying that, if there is a girl you find attractive don’t be afraid to drop her a message. Most girls (me included) are genuinely flattered if some guy can have the balls to strike a conversation out of nowhere meaning very few girls would actually ignore you. (Unless you mentioned something heinously inappropriate). It’s always worth a shot sending a message to a girl on there, if you’ve never met her you’ve definitely got nothing to lose and even if you have it should relieve the pressure abit considering there’s two electronic devices and possibly several miles between you two so she won’t see if you accidentally trip over or forget to zip up your fly. To sum up that shitty, badly written (it’s like 1am as I write) – if you use it right, Facebook could easily help transform your secret, imaginary relationship with the hot girl from college/work/town into the reality. Again apologies for how corny that sounds, I clearly need to man up. (A full post on texting in general to follow). As far as relationships on Facebook go, providing you aren’t posting endless love hearts on her wall like you would have when you were nine – it’s hard to go far wrong there.

Although there are other social networking, I’d say follow these guidelines and you can’t go too far wrong, I mean if 20% of relationships start online – your chances are pretty good.

x